At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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