come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
