I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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