Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
