I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
