he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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