As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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