Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
