happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
