I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
