i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
