OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
