I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
