i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
