Im at strip club and am horny
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
