my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
