Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize