WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
