I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
