Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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