You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
