I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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