There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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