it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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