she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
