I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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