I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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