You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
