Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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