we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
