I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
