I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
