Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You can't special order awesome
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
