I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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