My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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