tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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