I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
