I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
