can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
