Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
