I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
