I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
