If i come over, it means nothing
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
