before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize