Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
