"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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