My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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