I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's blow job season.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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