I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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