i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
