Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
