everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
