you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
