so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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