One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
