just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Damn victory sex feels great
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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