I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
