OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Someone signed my nipple.
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