she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
