Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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