I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
