I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
