I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
