franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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