Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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