Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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