rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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