Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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