I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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