dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
