Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
