even my farts smell like vagina
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
