Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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