peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
